Monday, June 24, 2013


Today at lunch I got a strange text.

"Hey man! I need some advise."

Yes, I'm typing it as he wrote it. My number formally belonged to a friend's son. Occasionally, I'll get calls like that. I just forward them the new number and off they go. Today I felt a little mischievous.
My first thought was to remind him how to use spell check, but since I'm not that much of a grammar nazi (I hope.) I answered with this:
"What kind of advice?"
"Girl. Asking one i dont know that well out."

I wanted to say 'Puff out your lips, beat your chest and offer to pick the lice from her hair.' no... wait, that's for Gorillas.

"Do you have some thing in common?"
"Idk." (That's slang for 'I don't know'.)
"Well, do you like the same music?"
"Look, talk to her. Find out if she likes the same things you do. Don't ask her straight up if she'll go out with you. She'll get creeped out. Get to know her. By the way, I'm not XXXX. Here is his new number. ###-####
"Awekward. But thanks."
"De nada."

Actually thought he'd have guessed by my sentences and spelling that I wasn't who he thought I was.
Some of my readers can put two and two together and figure out who in the heck I was talking to, they could even show them this post. There was more I wanted to say, but time and fingertips wouldn't allow it.
So this young man saw a girl that rocked his world, but he doesn't know the first thing about her.
First: forget everything you see on TV or in the movies. In reality those moves will only get you a restraining order.
Next: Introduce yourself. Hi, my name is ______, what's yours? 
From this point on: DON'T LIE. You may want to pad your dating resume, but don't. It will come back and bite you in the ass. It always does and it never ends well.
The something in common suggestions above would work at this time.
'Hey, (spots the book she's carrying.) I read that. (sidebar: use this only if you really read the book.)
What chapter are you on?'
Let us say you hear some music coming from her ear buds and you recognize the tune. You could start off with, 'Isn't that _______?' 

So you're nervous and this girl rocks. Does she already have a boyfriend? That's a big point to consider.
I'm going to use a bit of advice from Dan Savage, but I'm going to alter it for the situation. Don't try to get a girlfriend right this instant. Become friends with the girl who is going to become your girlfriend.
Talk to her. Get to know her. Do not ask her out in the first 20 minutes. Not even 30 minutes. After a few days, say something like, 'Hey, wanna go get some ice cream (or coffee as the case may be.)'
This is the no pressure gathering. Do not use the 'D' word.
You may find out that you might not be all that interested in her. She may have different tastes than you. If after a week or two, you decide you like one another and have the same interests, then you can sound out the idea.
'How would you feel if we were to go out?' or whatever the slang is nowadays.
Would it put more pressure on her if you said that, or 'Hey, let's hook up.'
The key is to use as little pressure as possible in a given situation.
Okay I'm presuming she's Drop Dead Gorgeous. Don't you think she has a lot of guys hitting on her and no one have a conversation with?
We had this girl in our high school who was stunningly gorgeous, she was popular and smart... and no one asked her to the prom. Everybody thought someone else had asked her. True story.
So you be the judge, but don't fall into the trap of coming on strong or going to fast. She might think you're interested in something else than being her friend, and she'd be right.

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