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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

fear

People let fear run their lives in many ways. Several things in this house are in need of repair, yet I don't do anything about them. Sure, my check engine light comes on every so often. The reason I tell myself is that I'm afraid it's something I can't afford to fix.
Spiders don't scare me. I'm not traumatized by the sight of blood. Heights don't bother me. (Some of you who know me would think they might.)
When the subject of fear comes up, I joke that my fear gland was removed years ago. While that isn't the literal truth, there is a nifty little metaphor in there. By going through all that crap from my accident, there isn't a whole lot that you can frighten me with. All those little demons we keep inside ourselves? Yeah, looked them in the eye and faced them down. It wasn't easy, but in a way, I had to make peace with all my past.
Still, it's a constant struggle. I keep reminding myself that the problems I'm fearful of wouldn't be so bad if I faced them. Advanced Bionics, the makers of my implant, want money that I don't have. They threatened to block me from their website so I would be unable to buy new batteries. I haven't gone to the website to see if their threat is good, and I'm at the point where I could use some new batteries. I wrestle with rejection every time I try to submit a story. Slowly but surely, I'm getting better. It's not that I think the stories are bad, I'm afraid of what other people think, particularly editors of publications I'm submitting to. So I have to admit I'm afraid of failure, but this is one demon I'm facing down every day.

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