The world owes me nothing, but I'm a bit depressed and frustrated by what's going on in my life. My paycheck was a measly 500 bucks... again. My paycheck is being garnished to the tune of 150 bucks bi-weekly. 300 dollars a month. Here's where I get mad. I've tried deferment and exemptions to no effect. They want their money, I get that. I told them I could send them my resume, but they didn't want to hear that. If I had a job that would allow me to pay them, I really would. It's not like I sit at home and say, 'let's get a big screen TV rather than pay bills.' Come on... get real folks. I can barely put gas in my car. According to Food Stamps, I make too much money. I can't feed my kids. I can't pay my bills. I'm going to lose the house if this keeps up. Not that losing the house would be a big loss. If the health department saw the place, it'd be condemned. The phone has been off for a few weeks. I'm writing this from a friends house. No one reads this, so I can rant and vent. There's one more trick up my sleeve. Tomorrow the taxes will get done and I'll see about getting one of those quick refunds. That's a short term fix, but we'll see. It won't address the long term issues that plague the family. Carol isn't getting the teaching job and most likely never will. She keeps going for openings and has recommendations galore, but it seems we are not greasing the right wheels.Who am I going to have to kill or fuck in order to get her a decent job?
It's simple really: if I have to choose between feeding my family or paying off a bill, family wins every time. Why can't anybody see that?
This morning I told Carol that I'm considering filing for bankruptcy. I've been keeping that at bay for years, but I just can't seem to get ahead here. I'm sick and tired of this. I feel worthless because I can't take care of my kids. I can't do the right thing by anyone. Don't get me started on how they'd like to get rid of me at Lowe's. Two weeks back, I got sick, heaven help us if someone got seriously ill.
The stress is killing me. Seriously, my body isn't springing back the way it used to. Lets's be honest: I'm not spring chicken. My back and legs are taking a lot of abuse and I won't be able to hold out for very much longer.