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Friday, February 22, 2013

And now for something completely different

One of the few games I can still play is called Battletech. Players control giant robots shooting missiles and lasers while dodging incoming fire. There is a structured order of play. Move, fire, resolve. These mechs are grouped by weight tonnage between 20 and 100 tons. The heavier you are, the slower you move. So you can have a butt load of armor and firepower, but crawl slower than a tortoise. A 20 ton mech has very little armor and only carry one, maybe two weapons, but they are fast. You can't hit what you can't see. My preference is somewhere in the middle of that. My ideal tonnage is 50 tons. Fast enough to close and engage the enemy. Taking a hit or two will not knock you out of the game.
There are players who will customize their mechs to have the maximum allowed armor while also possessing the heaviest firepower available.
These men have small dicks. That's just my opinion, of course.
One player came to the game with just such a mech. 100 tons of armor and lasers to level an army... if they could all stand still in a line in front of his guns. Yeah, right.
Time to test my theory. I fielded a 35 ton mech. It's role in an army would be a scout and maybe fire support.
My rival announced his plan to get up on a hill, sit and rain destruction on all who opposed him. Keep talking buddy... I'll carve it on your tombstone.
My mech was equipped with short range missiles, lots of short range missiles.
The combatants entered the field. Big, bad and slow as a snail... He crawled up a road leading to the top of a mountain.
Instantly, I ran around the far side of said mountain.  "You can't hit me from there." my opponent observed. "Come out where I can kill you."
Timing was of the essence. If I allowed him to take a shot, I would be cinders. Of course, I moved much, much faster than him.
Hiding until the last minute, I was able to get close enough to pounce, and what a pounce it was. Every mech's armor is weakest in the back. I was able to get directly behind him and unleash all my short range missiles, or as I like to call it, death by paper cuts.
Once past the backside armor, I wrecked havoc with all his precious weapons. 
A mech three times my size and I split him like a Boston crab.
He did turn his mech around and punch me, which was all he could do since I shorted everything else out. It did put me out of the game, but in that trade I think I came out ahead. Crippling his monster mech to the point of uselessness with a light scout? So worth it.
So you want a rematch? You know where to find me.

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