Friday, October 5, 2007

I choose to be in a good mood. That's simple enough, but sometimes it's difficult to bring about. Take this morning for instance: I awoke and said to myself, 'today is a good day. I'm feeling pretty good and good things will come my way.' Then events try to change that outlook. First, the dryer went on strike. It didn't want to dry the laundry. It said, “I'm tired of the working conditions here. I'm going to stop drying your clothes.”
Hearing the dryer complain in the garage, the car sitting in the driveway said; “I haven't been feeling appreciated here, you never fill me up with some of that high octane gas I'm always seeing at the pumps. So until you start being a little more grateful, I'm going to stop working too.”
I had to wonder why is every appliance and machine going on strike at the same when I need them the most? They always choose the worst possible time to quit on me. Then it dawned on me. They were coordinating with each other! A lot of the household items were going on strike at the same time. How could that be? I pondered how could they be doing this when it occurred to me: someone or something was telling them when to go on strike. It seemed logical to me. Whenever I had money in the checking account, they would stop working.
Perhaps it was the checking account itself telling the machines when to quit? I tested this theory. I drained the checking account to 2.45. Nothing broke down. All my devices and do-dads worked fine. 'He doesn't have any money boys, so we might as well keep on chugging until some comes along. Then I put 50.00 in the checking and almost immediately I saw the results.
“Hey boss,” my car said. “Remember that oil change that I've been wanting? Well, here's a reminder for you!” Then the car proceeded to overheat.
'What's the deal here?' I thought. 'I just changed the oil 500 miles ago.' But being the tricky beast it is, the car was one step ahead of me. The thermostat had to be replaced. Oh, and while we're at it, let's fill up on some of that good stuff, you know, just to show we're being 'appreciated.'
The dryer and the coffee maker grumbled at the attention the car received, but the car was all smug about getting the money from the bank.
“Maybe we should quit working until he pays us.” said the microwave. “Let's see who cooks his Ramen noodles then.”
“No, no,” warned the dryer. “He'll just chuck you out and get a new microwave. You know there's always some smaller, cheaper model on the market willing to do the work. Wait till the checking account gives us the go ahead, then we'll hit him up for all the money he's been scrounging up.”
“Hey,” wheezed the house, “what's all this about the big guy having money in the checking account? It's starting to get cold and he wouldn't appreciate it if I held out on him... you know that water heater could go at any time...”
“No, no...” hissed the dryer. “Don't you remember? He replaced the water heater last summer. It's winter now, it's the air heater that's got to go.”
“Hmm,” said the house. “You're right... thanks little guy.”
“But wait till the checking account gives you the okay.”

--Will Malone lives in Texas and tries to keep his household appliances in line by keeping as little as possible in the checking account.

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